July 27, 2005

The Dogs of War:

I am in the fight of my life right now. Things are looking grim. This battle seems to keep dragging on and on... and there is no end in sight. I fear that my will to fight on is caving. My enemy is fierce. I am fighting a fiend, a villain, a terrible awful enemy! They are evil and relentless and antagonistic! They come at me in waves by the hundreds and their march of death never stops. Yes, I have been battling Ants. Not just any Ants, but evil Ants and I have been fighting them on two fronts for the last three days... and I think they are winning. I went out to my car Monday morning and felt the fury of their first wave. Yes, my car had been invaded! The devilish creatures were claimbing all over the place! With no particular order... or goal.. there wasn't even any food for them to take home as a trophy. It was like they invaded for the sake of invasion, and they were f'n everywhere. I must have killed about 3 hundred of them. I hate ants. Not just a little and not even just "a lot". I f'n hate them. With passion and the fury of Hades. I hate them more then cats hate water. I hate them more then chickens hate deep fryers. I hate them more then dogs hate those crazy silent whistles. We are talking serious hatred here. So anyway.... I was forced to exterminate a ton of them and was 20 min late to work because of it. After work I went out to my car and there were like 40 or 50 more crawling on the side of my car.... So of course it was San Jose Ant Massacre time... I killed as many of them as I could find... Anyone who walked by must have thought I was crazy. The next morning I woke up and cruzed to the bathroom to get ready for work... you guessed it, more ants! They attacked by crawling through the window! They had totally invaded my bathroom! I chucked a few grenades and blindly emptied a few clips from the Mac-10 into the room. Ok, so maybe I just smooshed a bunch of them with my hand but I must have taken out at least 50 or 60 of them. By the time I was finished there were dead ant bodies stretched out for as far as the eye could see. After I cleaned up the battle field I went out to my car and found a bunch of them still cruzing around inside my car. DAMN THEM! I was forced to take many more ant lives that morning. When I got home from work the battle field had been cleared and only a few scouts were left checking out the scene. Needless to say I smashed the hell out of them. Scout or not, they are all the enemy. I figured this war was over but no! These bastards don't give up that easy. I woke up to find them attacking on both fronts again!!! Smashed about 30 in my bathroom and then went out to my car. The coast looked clear, no ants advancing on the outside of my car! "yes!" I thought out loud, "Victory is mine!" but no, there were about 40 waiting inside to ambush me when I sat down! Lucky for me I have an eye for avoiding traps like this. I mashed as many as I could find and then headed to work. On my way to the front door I found one crawling on my pant leg! An assassin! I nearly lost my life! I was too quick for him though, he got the wrong end of my finger... Puts a whole new meaning to the term "giving the finger".... yeah he was f'd... Proper f'd. So far I have been staying one step ahead of them but I am beginning to fear the worst... if this heat keeps up I may wake up tomorrow with ants advancing towards my bed. Wish me luck.

--El Capitan

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