So anyway... On Monday I was in a horrible mood....pissed at myself... pissed at where my life is right now.... pissed at my job... pissed at girls.... pissed at everything pretty much. I ran into Genny at school... the girl that I had gone out with a few times from my open photo lab.... it was lame. Whatever though, I knew it was gonna happen sooner or later.... I tried to be nice and act like I didn't care about the whole thing... which was a total act... What the hell happened with that whole thing? It is beyond me.. but whatever, I am over it... but I gotta say it felt pretty bad to see her... I dunno... getting dissed is never fun. It brought up a lot of feelings that I haven't felt in a while... that ach in your stomach where you feel like someone punched you real hard for no reason. I hadn't felt that bad since all the shit I went through with my ex Kelly. Those feelings suck. They suck a lot. I hate feeling that bad... not fun at all. About 20 minutes later I found out that I am not going to be able to take the photo class that I wanted to take at Foothill next quarter because you are only allowed to take it twice and this is already my second time. Alas.. another failure on my part. Another kick in the jaw from me, to me.... I didn't do one single assignment this quarter.... I printed a lot of skateboarding and BMX pictures... but I didn't do a single assignment for the class.... I just didn't have enough time. I worked too much and didn't get on myself enough to get things done... fucking procrastination.....fucking job... I feel like shit when I think of all the opportunities I missed because I wasn't assertive enough or because I procrastinated too long... the story of my fucking life. Missed chances at the fault of myself. One more stab in the chest and one more failure all on me, all my fault.

All this made me realize a bunch of things. I need to take my own advice, take the bull by the horns and get control of my life. Make my dreams come true instead of waiting for them to work themselves out. I need to get aggressive and to get proactive. I need to make some huge changes in my life. I need to take responsibility and get ready to take some serious action. No more time for slippin... I have been slippin for too long... I need to make some huge moves soon...like now... like today. I have done a ton of thinking these last couple of days.... I still have more thinking to do... but soon, very soon things are gonna be different. I can't stand to be like this anymore... I need to re-capture my positive energy and start charging life again... I have made a few attempts lately... but none of them have been whole hearted... and so I have elevated for a moment, gotten out of the muck for a few weeks or few months... but then I slide back into it... it is time for me to get the fuck out for good.... I can't shoot myself down. Time to step up and take charge. Time for change. Time to break a piece off for myself. Time to run this shit.
--Capn't Fedup S.S. Withmyself