I should be sleeping right now� but I can't get to bed� too much on my mind� too much going through my brain� I haven't posted anything for a couple days� well really only a day and a half sorta� well anyway� it feels like I haven't written anything in a while� I guess that is because there has been so much on my mind these last couple of days� I have felt like there are so many things that I have wanted to write about� but I just couldn't find the energy or the words to express the feelings�.. Anyway I am back... sort of... I have been out sick... I mean really sick... like, so sick that I spent Sunday night on the bathroom floor in pain and agony.... Throwing up when you are sober sucks. Not that I have thrown up all that much being drunk... but driving the great white bus really sucks when it is because you have the flu and are running a 101 temp. Ugh�� I am so tired of being sick� really cramping my steelo! Haha Not only that but being at home all day for two days in a row has given me waaaaaay too much time to think about my life and such�. But maybe that is not such a bad thing really� when I think about it�.. I actually I got a lot of good thinking done� so I guess that is good yea? Lots of thinking� lots of reflecting� lots more thinking�

Since I am in this unusual reflective state and can't get to sleep I decided to put on the soundtrack to the Buena Vista Social Club, a movie that I still have yet to see� (I should smack myself for not getting around to that yet�) Anyway� The first track on the CD is amazing�. Actually all the songs on this CD are amazing� but for me, the first song is the most inspiring. It is one of those songs that reaches at your soul and lights you on fire. The song grabs me and puts me in a trance, it puts me in place that few songs get me to� it touches me deep in my soul and forces me to dream. But not only to just dream, but to believe in my dreams as well�. It is like it touches my spirit and gives my soul the wings that it needs to fly�. I don't know, maybe I am romanticizing it a bit too much� but in some ways it really feels like that� the whole CD is kind of like that for me� I don't listen to it enough anymore�

Anyway, I have done quite a bit of reminiscing these last couple of days�. Mostly about my days down in Santa Barbara. That is partially why I decided to listen to the Buena Vista soundtrack� I first heard it when I was living in S.B. A little piece of me really misses that place, that lifestyle, those good times. I am really lucky to have been able to live down there and experience the things that I did� so many great memories. A few bad ones too but really only a few bad ones� mostly just great memories of good friends and good times. Really when it comes down to it, the only bad memories I have of SB are the ones that relate to things that happened between Kelly and I. Anyway, the soundtrack to the Buena Vista Social Club always reminds me of great days relaxing at the house at 3642 San Pedro Ln. Ah, the good ole San Pedro house, that was the last house that I lived at down in S.B. I have millions of great memories from that place� When I hear these songs I think of lazy Sundays�.. cleaning the house with Rick and Chris, hanging out in the back yard sipping on Corona's, talking shit with the dawgs, cooking up one of the famous "white boy burritos", taking naps on the couch, reading on the patio, Tiki torches, glowing Christmas lights, and evening BBQ's. But mostly, of just chillin' with good friends and smiling�.. good days� good times�. great friends. The funny thing is, during that period of my life I went through some of the hardest times I have ever gone through� from the loss of my Grandfather to the loss of a love relationship that I thought at the time was going to be forever�. Anyway, as hard a time as it was, when I look back, I see the good times first� which is a big step for me I think, because for a long time all I saw was red and black and sadness when I looked back on those days� I think those days really changed my view on life and love. For the good I think. I am really happy that I can finally look back and not feel so much anger and frustration and pain. It has been a long time coming and not an easy destination to reach. It is amazing how much time it can take to heal from wounds like the ones I was dealt back then. It is amazing how long the heart can bleed before it heals. But then maybe that's how you know something is important and real, it doesn't heal quickly when it is injured. Maybe that is how you know that you loved deeply and wholly: when it takes time to heal. Maybe that is how you know it wasn't all for not� Maybe that is how you know that you weren't faking it and that the people you lost were really important to you�

Anyway� I digress a bit from my goals in writing tonight� didn't really mean to get that deep on life and love and all that�. Then again, I don't know if I really had any goals to start with� I guess all that this all is sorta just free flowing jibberish. But then that is how I have felt these last couple of days� like my brain has been hashing though a bunch of free flowing jibberish sessions with out any expression. This is sorta the vent for all the free flowing build up in my brain I guess� These last couple of days have given me some time to think about a lot of things� where I am going, what I am doing, and what I have done in the past. I have spent a lot of time thinking about the past, not necessarily dwelling on it, but more like looking back and remembering what I wanted and where I wanted to be a few years ago. Looking back on what I have done and what made me happy back then� what made me sad back then� and then trying to set future goals that are going to avoid the most sadness and create the most happiness for me�. I have mostly been thinking about where I am going� I feel like I am starting to get a handle on that� what I want to do� where I want to be� my ideal spot is still a long way off� but I think I am getting a step closer now that I think I have some ideas about what and where that spot is. What is important to me, what I want from life, what I need, where I want to go� these are all questions that have been bobbing around in my head with a vengeance for the last couple of days� And I think to some degree I have come up with answers to a lot of those questions� or at least partial answers�

I watched a lot of TV these last couple of days� saw a few too many 80's movies� watched a lot of baseball� watched a great episode of the A-Team, and I watched a lot of VH1 behind the music�. That show is awesome�. Today I watched the documentaries that they did about Journey, Cindy Lopper, and the one about Pat Benatar. I think I learned two important things from these documentaries: one don't ever bring your girlfriend on the tour and two don't ever give up your dreams. Seeing the struggles that they went through and seeing them succeed made me realize one thing: I want to be where they are. Maybe not quite as famous, but I know I want to be on stage in front of people playing music that I love. I want to give back to music what it has given to me. I want to reach people and energize them. I am going to have that. I feel that Mike and I have the ability to get there. I think we have the same kind of burn, the same kind of lust for music and stage that those bands had and have. I feel like we both have that love for music� the kind of passion to make it through the tough times� the kind of passion to keep you going even when things are working their hardest to keep you down. I want to be a rock star� people often laugh when I tell them that� but f-- that� it is gonna happen. I decided that today� though I guess I have kind of know that for a long time. But for some reason, being cooped up in the house for two days made that dream really come to light� I know that the path to this dream is going to be long and hard� but I think I can make it. Scratch that, I know I can make it. The thing I have to do now is figure out how to get there� getting the studio was the first step� now it is time to take some more steps�

In the mean time, I have realized I need to do a few things while I wait to dominate the world�haha
The first of which is that I need to move out. Living at home has been ok, I can't complain really, and it was especially nice having my Mom around these last couple of days when I was feeling so crappy. But it is time for me to get off my ass and make some changes. I need to have a place I can call my own again. I am also gonna have to find a new job soon so that I can afford to move out� I really want to work with kids again. That was so much fun. I truly miss being around the kids at camp. But I don't know if I will be able to swing that right now. Maybe in the future� I have some plans that I am working on and looking into but for now, I would settle for another desk job as long as it is gonna pay the bills and be stable.

The most important thing that I have realized in these last couple of days is that I need to keep chasing my dreams� Keep working with photography, keep skating, keep playing music etc� keep being who I am� because those things are gonna make me the most happy in the end� who knows, maybe if I stay with them for long enough they will pay the bills someday�.

Wow� this has been a lot of writing� I feel like I am in school again or something� haha� I kinna mis writing papers sometimes� haha � then again� maybe not� hahaha ok that is it for now� even tho I could prolly write for another hour or so� I should really be getting to bed now�
--Capn' Livin S.S. Life